How to Escape The Sunken Place: A Step by Step Guide
Should you find yourself in the clutches of the vacuous abyss known as the Sunken Place, don't panic. Here's our step by step guide to return you to your melanated roots.
Step 10. Drink alkaline water. With its diminished acidic content alkaline water brings a renewed clarity of thought - allowing one to properly assess solutions to the situation at hand.
Step 9. Disassociate yourself from all people, (brown folks included) that display characteristics of a distinct insipidness that is inherent to those infected. Do not be fooled by polite conversation and cheery banter. Those in the sunken place possess a sinister vapidness that makes one's hair stand on end. Trust your instincts and separate yourself from the hive.
Step 8. Take a shot of wheatgrass, no chaser.
Step 7. Watch Paid in Full. Ensure that you eat chips with hot sauce accompanied by a turkey sandwich with light mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, black pepper and a dash of oil and vinegar. Be sure to eat your sandwich on hero bread.
Step 6. Listen to Nas's Illmatic. Then create a screensaver with the lyrics.
Step 5. Read 2000 Seasons by Ayi Kwei Armah. Once you read this all will make sense.
Step 4. Fry plantains.
Step 3. Put on some Fela and dance like your life depends on it.
Step 2. Watch Luke Cage while sipping a glass of Henny with one whisky cube chilled to 30ºF - enjoy with a splash of Coke, not Pepsi.
Step 1. Get your scalp greased. This act can be performed by your mother or significant other, depending on your preference. The key is to use shea butter, coconut oil or other fragrant emollient typically used in black hair dressing. Scalp greasing reconnects and stimulates the melanated neurons that may have been lost during your traumatic descent into the abyss.
In the unlikely event that you are past the point of no return, drastic measures must be taken. Check back next week for our Code Black solution. Until then.
The Melanin Crew